The Prank Letters of S. William Kost

Willow Creek Community Church 3/11/01

2006-08-14T14:45:00.000-07:00

Meet Lyle Castrole...a man of many "personal" problems...

Lyle E. Castrole
P.O. Box 598
Clackamas, OR 97015

March 11, 2001
Pastor Bill Hybels
Willow Creek Community Church
67 East Algonquin Road
South Barrington, IL 60010

Dear Pastor Hybels,

I am going to be in the Chicago area from May 4-22, and am interested in attending services at Willow Creek Community Church. I have friends in both Wheaton and Carol Stream who have recommended it to me. I have heard that Willow Creek is committed to delivering God's Word to people of all backgrounds as well as levels of mobility. As I am handicapped, this is welcome news to me.

My disability does not require the use of a wheelchair, nor is it an impairment of either my eyesight or hearing. Pastor Hybels, I have a handicapped brain. I'm not mentally retarded. I have no learning disabilities, and I have full cognitive ability. What's different about me is that I react in very extraordinary ways to very ordinary stimuli.

For example, last Tuesday I was watching television when a commercial for Odor-Eaters came on. The commercial was very normal, as were the actors and the product they were selling. But when the voice-over announcer stated the words "activated charcoal", that's when things got crazy. Upon hearing those words, I promptly stood up, kissed my next-door neighbor, removed my shirt, got a pencil from the drawer, stuck the pencil up my left nostril, and walked in a perfect circle for 37 minutes.

Three weeks ago, on my 31st birthday, my mother came over to my house, bringing with her a photo of myself as a baby. I laughed at the chocolate cake on my face, but when I saw the 1969 calendar in the background, it triggered my odd behavior. I ran out my front door with one hand on my head and the other on my right thigh, and when I got to the 7-Eleven I stopped, looked in the window and made donkey noises for twelve minutes.

Many different triggers have had repeated effects on me, and as a result I am no longer allowed in Office Depot, McDonalds or any hotel (the little soaps make me belch the alphabet).

Pastor, I am writing this letter to you to make sure your church can accommodate my unusual disability. I can make sure to locate myself in a corner of the sanctuary, where I might be out of the way of most people. I cannot predict whether or not I will have an incident at the church, but I do know that every time I watch TBN, something happens, and it's not because that woman's big hair. Is there any way there can be a security officer nearby in case I get up and scream "the bucket the bucket the bucket" until I drop?

Sincerely,

Lyle E. Castrole

Dear Lyle:

Bill Hybels passed your recent letter along to me. My name is Bob Irwin, and I am the Safety and Security coordinator here at Willow Creek. I would be glad to personally attend to you, if you decide to visit us in May. Please contact me when you know the date you will be attending one of our services and I will arrange for your special needs.

Willow Creek serves over 17,000 attenders at our weekly services, so it is our desire to protect them from disturbances of any kind. I appreciate your consideration for others. It would be advisable for one of your friends to accompany you when you visit, and we will do everything we can to attand to your disability.

Lyle, you can contact me at (847) 765-5000 ext. 633. Leave a message for me giving your phone number and also your friend's phone number. Let me know which service you will be attending. I will then arrange to meet you, or have another security person escort you during your visit.

It is important that you contact me before your visit so that I can provide a safe place for you thus allowing you to enjoy the service. Thank you for writing and I look forward to hearing from you.

In Christ,
Bob Irwin

Lyle E. Castrole
P.O. Box 598
Clackamas, OR 97015

April 16, 2001
Bob Irwin, Safety and Security Coordinator
Willow Creek Community Church
67 East Algonquin Road
South Barrington, IL 60010

Dear Mr. Irwin,

I appreciate you taking the time to write me back before the days in May that I was supposed to go out there and attend Willow Creek. There have been some huge things that have happened since I wrote you that letter in April.

If you remember, up until recently I had this odd problem of reacting very strangely to certain "trigger" words or phrases. I would hear a particular word on TV or in a conversation, and all of a sudden I would go berserk. I think I told you about the McDonald's incident in the last letter, where I got kicked out because Ronald McDonald's face made me start singing songs from the Rocky Horror Picture Show (a movie I haven't even seen). Well, I am happy to say that that whole problem is gone due to the thoughtful work of my pastor, Jess Northrup. He suggested one night that I might be demon possessed. I told him it wasn't possible, since no demon has ever signed a lease! (A joke) Then he got really serious and started yelling at me, shouting out commands like Get out! and Leave him! Well I got up to leave but he was holding me down! Suddenly I felt this wave rush over me and I knew I had been cured. Pastor Northrup said that I definitely had a demon inside of me that was doing all of this crazy stuff. He said that the demon needed to be exercised. I didn't get it. Wouldn't that make the demon stronger? Well, maybe the workout tired him out and he fell out of me. Anyway it worked out.

The problem is that I was shaken really hard and I kept hitting my head on the floor, and a week later I went deaf and I can't speak a word. The doctor says it's temporary, that I should be back to normal in a year or so. In the meantime I'm not supposed to travel, so the Chicago trip is a bust. Also I can't get Bob Carlisle's song "Butterfly Kisses" out of my head. I appreciate all that you were willing to do for me to accommodate my condition. Therefore I have a new question:

Are there transcripts of Pastor Hybels (spell check suggests: "Highballs"!) sermons available? Like in script form, or outline? Since I can't hear (temporarily), a tape is useless. Some pages to read on the bus would be good. Please let me know. And again, thank you for all of your generosity and dedication to making sure I could enjoy the service. I feel "safe and secure" already!

Sincerely,

Lyle E. Castrole

P.S. My nephew told me a joke: What was King Nebucadenezzer's favorite kind of sandwich? Babylonian cheese (Baloney and cheese) Pass that on to Pastor Hybels!

NO FURTHER RESPONSE

President of GE 3/11/01

2006-08-14T13:50:00.000-07:00

By this point, I hadn't written any letters for a while, and then, after becoming inspired by the prank letters of Ted L. Nancy, I decided to begin the campaign again, using different character names instead of my own. This one was a one-time character, used for obvious reasons...

SATURDAY NIGHT BONGO BAND
Jeffrey R. Immelt, third bongo
P.O. Box 598
Clackamas, OR 97015
March 11, 2001

Jeffrey R. Immelt, Chairman & President
General Electric Company
3135 Easton Turnpike
Fairfield, CT 06431-0001

Dear Mr. Immelt,

Well, I think it's absolutely AWESOME that your coompany is the biggest and best in the world! You don't get 400 billion dollars a year by being second best, right? No, you get it by being FIRST best! And that's just what GE is, the first best! I try to remember to buy only GE light bulbs when I need new ones. And I only watch NBC, because it's MUST-SEE TV!

I'll get right to the point here. In case you haven't noticed yet, Mr. Immelt, my name is also Jeffrey R. Immelt. Now, I'm sure that your R doesn't stand for the same thing as mine, which is Renschrawt, but still, it's Jeffrey R. for both of us! Well, I guess the point of me writing this letter to you is to make a promise to you.

Since you are the leader of the biggest company in the world, and I am just the third bongo of a small bongo band in Portland Oregon, I guess it goes without saying that your reputation is a whole lot more valuable than mine is, right now. But see, the thing is, our band isn't going to be small for long. We are going to make it big, and not just in Portland, either. We'll be big all over the world, the same world that your GE is the biggest company in. And I'm not always going to be third bongo, either. I'm about to be promoted to second bongo, which is huge considering how we're right on the edge of the BIG TIME.

So anyway, my promise to you, Mr. Immelt, is that no matter how big our band gets, I will never do anything to damage our common name. What I mean is, I'll try to never do anything that will make people think that someone named Jeffrey R. Immelt is a bad guy, and just a rock star jerk, or anything like that. I'm all about the good times and having fun, not trashing hotel rooms and snorting heroin. Also, with my wife being 7 months pregnant with our first son, there's the decision of whether or not to name him Jeffrey R. Immelt, Jr!

Well, I hope you have had time to read this letter, but if you don't that's alright. I understand that you probably have more important things to do, like making 400 billion more bucks! My van's leaving for Estacada, so I've got to go now. When I get a chance I'll send you a tape.

Peace and Power,

Jeffrey R. Immelt

I was astounded to receive this reply, handwritten on GE company letterhead:

Dear Jeff,

Thanks for your nice note. What a great name...huh?

Good luck with the band, and with being a father...I hope you enjoy both. I'll try to make you proud of GE and me. Buy junior a few shares of stock for his portfolio.

I wish you the best in everything. You were so nice to think of me.

Sincerely,
Jeff

Timex 3/31/98

2006-08-14T12:54:00.000-07:00

S. William Kost
P.O. Box 598
Clackamas, OR 97015

March 31, 1998
Watch Setting Dept.
Timex Corporation
Middlebury, CT 06762

Dear Timekeepers,

I recently heard a saying, that a man with one clock knows what time it is, but a man with two clocks is never sure. Political correctness notwithstanding (what about a woman with a clock?), I believe that the saying makes a good point. We never really know what time it is, do we?

It is for this reason that I write to you. When people ask me what time it is, I must tell them an estimate, because, I'm not sure how accurate my (Timex) watch really is. Not that your products are substandard; to the contrary, they are superior indeed. It's just that I don't know which clock I can set my watch to in order to assure synchronicity with the One True Time It Is. So I figures that, being the time experts that you are, you would be the highest authority I could turn to for the solution to my conundrum.

Could you, therefore, inform me as to what time it is there, and then I can set my watch to that time. I would really appreciate it.

Until Next Time,

S. William Kost

P.S. Please send an XL T-shirt, or a pen.

Dear S. William:

I'm not surprised by your letter. I often wonder how people who purchase highly accurate watches are able to set them to the correct time!!!

I can tell you the exact time as I write this letter. However, I don't think that will solve your problem. For information, watch evaluations performed by Timex require setting watches to the exact time. There is a phone number we call that provides the exact time. Our master watches are set to this time on a daily basis, (303) 499-7111.

Hopefully this will help you.

Sincerely,
Thomas Drago
Supervisor Finished
Evaluation Department

Enclosure — Timex pen

RECEIVED A CHEAP TIMEX BALL-POINT PEN

Tri-Met 3/31/98

2006-08-14T12:24:00.000-07:00

S. William Kost
P.O. Box 598
Clackamas, OR 97015

March 31, 1998
Tri-Met
Attn: Tom Walsh
4012 SE 17th Ave.
Portland, OR 97202

Dear Mr. Walsh,

Thank you for your most recent letter and special all-day tickets. I've been riding Tri-Met for years now, so technically I'm not a new rider; but the tickets came in handy nonetheless.

There have been a few things I've wondered about for awhile, and I thought you might be able to help me figure them out. I've organized my inquiries and handily placed them below:

1. Why does all of the MAX train's power temporarily shut off as it approaches the Lloyd Center Station (inbound)? It doesn't seem to matter which car I'm in. It's a bit freaky, to say the least.

2. What is the reason for printing "This Side Up" on the front of the bus pass? I mean, are people who read the passes unable to read printing that is slightly tilted, or even upside-down? And, if that's the case, how are these people able to read the words "THIS SIDE UP" unless it's already right side up?

3. Your placards ask riders to write Tri-Met if an operator went "the extra mile" for them. Personally, if I've rung the bell, and you go an extra mile past my stop (especially on MAX!), my letter to you is not going to be as complimentary as this one. Are you actually encouraging angry mail?
I hope you can shed some light on my questions soon. I'm puzzled! Until then, keep up the good work (even in the face of bridge closures)! Please send an XL T-shirt or a pen.

I've got a ticket to ri-i-ide,

S. William Kost

P.S. Are you related to rock legend Joe Walsh?

Dear Mr. Kost:

I'm responding to your letter and your questions about Tri-Met's system at the request of Mr. Tom Walsh.

1) Why is MAX power temporarily shut off as it approaches Lloyd Center Station?

The electrical overhead contact system that is the source of power for MAX is segmented in order to eliminate the possibility of a total electrical shutdown of service in an emergency situation. (There are substations located every mile that generate and distribute 750V of current.) Sparks are occasionally produced at the location of this segmented cable when the MAX car's "pantograph" passes through it. (The pantograph is the connection assemble that is the intermediary between the overhead wiring and the train.) In order to eliminate this possibility, we sometimes ask the rail operator to coast when crossing one of these locations. The train is powered immediately after crossing the segmented line.

2) Why are passes imprinted with "This Side Up?"

This was done at the request of our bus drivers as a reminder to customers to hold the pass so it's easily seen by the driver when the customer boards. Often in the past customers displayed the pass so that the designation was completely covered and unreadable for the bus driver. The "This Side Up" message has helped this situation for our drivers.

3) Why do buses and MAX go so far past the stop?

When in service, MAX stops at the station. The only time a train goes past a station is because of an emergency or if it is not in service. Buses sometimes stop past the stop for safety reasons or because the driver didn't see a customer waiting for the bus. If the bell is rung too late, it causes the driver to either eliminate stopping for safety reasons, or stop the bus further down the block—past the stop.

You asked for a T-shirt and a pen. I regret that we don't keep T-shirts or pens in stock to give to customers. Thank you for taking the time to write and for riding Tri-Met.

Sincerely,
Virginia Woods
Customer Satisfaction Representatives

Seattle Aquarium 3/31/98

2006-03-31T23:32:00.000-08:00

S. William Kost
P.O. Box 598
Clackamas, OR 97015

March 31, 1998
Seattle Aquarium
Lost and Found
1483 Alaskan Way
Waterfront Park, Pier 59
Seattle, WA 98101

Dear Lost and Found Manager,

I had the pleasure of visiting your fine Aquarium last year while on a family vacation. My wife, Cindy, my two sons, Aaron and Doug, and my niece Francesca spent the afternoon of July 18 taking in all of the sights and sounds of your beautiful facility. We stood in awe of the majestic octopus. We laughed at the crazy antics of the penguins. We accidentally dropped our toaster into the seal tank.

You read correctly. I'm embarrassed to admit this horrible debacle to you, but I must bite the bullet and press on. You see, we Kosts have a family tradition of going to nearby Laurelhurst Park and feeding bread to the ducks. In recent years, we have decided it would be a special treat to the friendly fowl if we were to toast the bread we gave them. We've taken our toaster directly to the park, secured an electrical outlet, and cooked up an entire loaf of fresh Poulsbo bread at once. The ducks love it!

This year, we chose to take this tradition on the road. As we were planning to go to the Seattle Aquarium anyway, we thought it would be harmless to bring our toaster inside and treat your seals to a fresh toast breakfast. Your friendly employee Mr. Jenkins said it would be no trouble at all. The problem occurred when we couldn't find an outlet to plug the machine into; while searching, I carelessly set the toaster on the ledge of the tank, and one of your seals, thinking it was a new toy, pulled on the cord with his teeth. Ker-plunk! I panicked at that point, and shuffled the family out of there as quickly as possible.

For months I thought I could just sweep this tragedy under the rug, but alas, my conscience spoke loudest. My friends, I humbly apologize for the trouble I surely must have caused you. I was also wondering if I could get my toaster back. It is a Black and Decker Model 750-4b, black, wet, with tooth marks in the cord.

Again, I'm sorry. Please respond soon, so my conscience can stop torturing me. And say hello to Mary and Janice in the gift shop.

I burnt the toast this time,

S. William Kost

P.S. Please send an XL T-shirt for cousin Bob.

NO RESPONSE

Procter & Gamble 3/31/98

2006-03-29T21:49:00.000-08:00

S. William Kost
P.O. Box 598
Clackamas, OR 97015

March 31, 1998
Proctor & Gamble
Pert Plus Department
Cincinnati, OH 45202

Dear Shampoo Manufacturers,

Why in the world do you print an ingredient list on the label of your shampoo? Are there people out there who are crazy enough to drink it?

What's next? Serving Sizes? Nutrition Facts?

All worked up into a lather,

S. William Kost

P.S. Pert Plus what?

Dear Mr. Kost:

Thank you for contacting Procter & Gamble about Pert Plus Shampoo. We welcome the opportunity to answer your question.

Federal law requires the listing of all ingredients for any food or drug product. Shampoos, beauty care products, etc. all fall under the jurisdiction of the Food a& Drug Administration. Additionally, many consumers can be allergic to certain ingredients and need to know if the product contains them. I hope you find this information helpful.

If you have questions or comments in the future, you may find it convenient to call the toll-free number listed on our product packages. Thanks again for getting in touch with us.

Sincerely,
Janie Rice
Consumer Relations - CCT

Mayor Vera Katz 12/10/97

2006-03-16T22:38:00.000-08:00

Written by hand (sloppily), when I actually lived in the city.

S. William Kost
P.O. Box 598
Clackamas, OR 97015

December 10, 1997
The Honorable Mayor Vera Katz
Office of the Mayor
Portland, OR 97204

Dear Mayor Katz,

Portland is such a wonderful city. I have lived here all of my life (25 years), and I may just live here 25 more.

One of the traditions of Portland I like is the annual Peacock Lane show of lights. They're sure festive, aren't they? I like to go every year,but lately I've found that as a driver, it's more and more difficult to concentrate on looking at the lights because I have to keep looking at the car in front of me so as not to rear-end it. As if the cars weren't moving slow enough—a rear-end accident would just make it that much worse.

So, why doesn't the city install a conveyor track into Peacock Lane, similar to one found in an automatic car wash? A driver would be guided onto the track, put car in neutral and be able to totally focus on the splendor of the lights (not the brake lights in front of them). All it would take would be an attendant each night to guide cars in (creating jobs!) and metal plate to put over it in the off-season (like a manhole cover).

I think it's a great idea. Most of my friends thinks o too, except for the kids (who don't have to drive)—they don't care either way.

Please write back to me and tell me what you think. If you want to, I can tell you about some of my other ideas (tinted contact lenses; chrome plated personal drinking straws). My address is at the beginning of the letter.

Thanks a million! Happy Holidays!

Your Fellow Citizen,

S. William Kost

Dear Mr. Kost:

Thank you for contacting my office regarding your idea for Peacock Lane.

Although I empathize with you regarding the car traffic on Peacock Lane, I would encourage you to consider walking the lane. The concerns about traffic collisions on the lane are warranted. However, given the utmost caution exhibited by the vast majority of attentive drivers; the problem has been minimized.

Given the reduction in city services, the City is in no position to consider this proposal at the expense of other essential public services.

Again, thank you for contacting my office with your idea.

Circuit City 10/22/96

2006-03-15T21:54:00.000-08:00

S. William Kost
P.O. Box 598
Clackamas, OR 97015

October 22, 1996

Dear Manager,

I am a retired individual living in an apartment all alone. I don't like to get out much at all, except to buy groceries, and collect and post the mail. I don't own a car, and I don't ride the bus, ever. Simply put, I'm a hermit.

However, there are times which require my leaving the place for very necessary reasons. See, my refrigerator is on its last leg, and darnit if I can't get the landlord to do anything about it. I know I need a new fridge (the greens ain't staying green for too long), but I would really prefer to shop for a new one by choosing it at home. This way, of course, I don't have to be outside of my apartment for very long.

I subscribe to the Sunday Oregonian, and last issue came with one of your advertisements. I was of course looking for a good deal on a fridge, and yours was the only ad I could find with a fridge for sale. I liked what I saw, but there is a nagging question which I would need to clear up. In the picture of the Amana 24.5 Cu. Ft. model, I see that it is well-stocked with various grocery items. Would I be able to get an inventory of the items which come with that model? Also, when looking closely at the picture (nice photo work, by the way), I notice that there is a gallon of Minute Maid Orange Juice. I must say, that is quite a generous portion, one gallon, but may I substitute another brand (preferably Tropicana)? I had a bad case of the runs after drinking a glass of Minute Maid a few years ago, and ever since, the mere sight of the stuff gives me gas.

So, if these questions could be answered soon, I'd appreciate it. And remember, Tropicana, not Minute Maid. Thank you.

Please Don't Call,

S. William Kost

P.S. Does Circuit City actually have a mayor, or is it just a catchy name?

NO RESPONSE

Camino Real Foods, 9/20/96

2006-03-06T12:52:00.000-08:00

S. William Kost
P.O. Box 598
Clackamas, OR 97015

September 20, 1996
Camino Real Foods
Gardena, CA 90249

Dear Food Producers,

Today I went to the BP Gas Staion and food mart on 20th & Burnside, and I got a big Coke and two Tina's burritos, which I heated upin their microwave. On the way home, after the burritos had cooled down a bit, I started to eat one. It was really good! I pretty much scarfed it down quickly. I was eating the second one at home and decided to look at the wrapper. Sometimes I do this just to see what makes a food taste the way it does, either good or bad. Anyways, I started readoing the nu trition info and the ingredients list, and saw the part that says FILLING:. The first two ingredtints were, Water, Beef,... and I started to think, Well, what part of the beef is it? I can usally taste the difference between the ground beef part and, say, the round steak parts of the cow. But I thought this burrito contained something I really couldn't put my finger on. It tasted somthing like lips or possibly tail of the cow, perhaps thearea around the hooves, I wasn't sure.

So I thought I'd write to you to get the true scoop on where the Beef comes from. Your burritos are much grande, but if I'm eating cow ears, then I'm going to get a hot dog or something.

Please write Back Soon,

S. William Kost

P.S. Do you sell or give away promotional Tina's Burrito T-shirts? Let me know; I wear an XL. Thanks

Dear Mr. Kost:

We appreciate your effort in informing us about your recent experience with our Tina's Burritos.

Your comments regarding the beef in our product are appreciated. We use only the finest ingredients and all of our suppliers are carefully selected. The highest quality of beef trimmings are used, which we feel yeilds [sic] the tastiest and most consistent product. Your comments have been passed on to our Manager of Quality Control for his attention.

We hope that you will accept the two coupons enclosed with this letter, and will give us another try. These coupons may be redeemed at your local grocer.

We again thank you for your comments and appreciate your effort.

Sincerely,
Debbi Collins
Consumer Relations - CRF

Encl.

Tinactin 9/19/96

2006-03-06T12:25:00.000-08:00

I really start to play up the "idiot" persona by adding more spelling and grammatical errors...

S. William Kost
P.O. Box 598
Clackamas, OR 97015

September 19, 1996
Tinactin Division
Schering-Plough Health
Care Products, Inc.
Memphis, TN 38151

Dear Fungus Fighters,

I've been using Tinactin Deodorant Powder Aerosol for a while now, and have been quite pleased with the results. As I work for the city as a sewer unclogger, I am required to wear water- and airtight boots. Since the ventilation is poor, as I don't have to tell you, foot fungus can be a problem. So I use Tinactin to keep away the fungus, and congradulations on making a produt that works!

There's a sort of problem, though. See, last weekend I was watching a game on TV (I don't remember which one), and anyways that commercial with John Mandon saying BOOM all the time, and it showed a foot with actual flames on it being extinguished by Tinactin! And I thought, "hey! that stuff can put out flames, and it's cheaper than a fire extinguisher, why don't I buy a couple of cans for the truck to use in a pinch! But then I looked at the can, to see if it was okay to test out on a match or something, and! I saw the warning label, which says "do not spray while smoking or near fire." (It also said to avoid spraying in eyes, but that's another letter, because who would be dumb enough to spray it in your eyes?)

The question I have is, if the can says not to use it near flame, how was Jon Madon able to do it in the commercial?

Please write back to me soon, because at this point I'm not sure who to believe. Plus the extinquisher is almost empty because of an incident with the toaster, and it's getting time to get a new one.

Burning to Know,

S. William Kost

NO RESPONSE

Flents 9/19/96

2006-02-27T13:03:00.000-08:00

S. William Kost
P.O. Box 598
Clackamas, OR 97015

September 19, 1996
Flents, Inc.
PO Box 2109
Norwalk, CT 06852

Dear Patch-makers,

A few days ago, I developed a case of pink-eye. It was a bit painful, as you may imagine, and I did what I thought was best to relieve the pain at the time. A friend suggested I block the light going into my eye by using an eye patch. So I bought one of those eye patches which your company made (Item #505). Now, since then, I have been to the doctor, and gotten treatment for my condition. But I'm not ready to retire the eye patch just yet. I plan to wear the patch as a fashion accessory; the "pirate look" has become popular for me since I started wearing the Flents Patch.

The reason I'm writing to you concerns the information printed in the back of the box in which the patch came. You inform the buyer (me) that "Flents offers a fine line" of other products. What I need to know is, do you offer any other pirate-type accessories, i.e. three-pointed hat, parrot, peg leg, etc.? I am anxious to enhance my already popular fashion statement, and an item like a hook-for-a-hand would be a fabulous "punctuation"!

Please let me know as soon as possible, so I have time to search other avenues before the trend shifts. Thank you, and keep up the good work!

Yo-ho-ho,

S. William Kost

Dear Mr. Kost:

Thank you for your letter of September 19, 1996 regarding our full line of products.

In response to your question about other accessories for the "pirate look", we are sorry but we do not carry those types of products.

Enclosed is our catalog showing our full line of products.

We are sorry that we can't help you further.

Cordially,
Sherri L. Cogswell
Customer Service

DowBrands (Ziploc) 3/31/96

2006-02-27T12:13:00.000-08:00

S. William Kost
P.O. Box 598
Clackamas, OR 97015

March 31, 1996
DowBrands L.P.
Attn: Cust. Service, Ziploc Division
P.O. Box 65811
Indianapolis, IL 46268-0511

Dear Gripper Zippers,

I have been using your Ziploc Freezer Bags, Storage Bags and Sandwich Bags for many years now, and I have found that nothing keeps food fresher, longer than your product does. Especially those junky Glad bags; I don't really trust that yellow-and-blue-makes-green junk, anyhow. What about color-blind individuals, huh? Did you ever think that you might be confusing the heck out of us?!! (Talking to Glad, not you.)

Anyway, I was talking about how good your bags are with my nephew, Fritz (who is not color-blind), and he said he read somewhere that you once made a Ziploc bag so big, it could completely contain a suburban post office! Is this true? How cool! Of course, if I was inside the post office, checking my P.O. Box or something, I probably wouldn't think it was so cool, because I'd be suffocating, and the way those bags tend to fog up, it'd be hard to see outside, and all of the stamps would get ruined from all the moisture and everything. Unless it was one of those special vegetable bags with the little air holes, in which case it would be okay, because then I could breathe. That might be kind of cool.

So is it true that you made this humongous Storage Bag? If not, what is the biggest bag you've ever fabricated? Is it even bigger than the one Fritz told me about? I would very much like to hear back from you about Big Bag Facts. (If you have a pamphlet, could you make sure it's in black and white? I think you know why.)

Forever Locking In Freshness,

S. William Kost

P.S. Do you have any Ziploc T-shirts (XL)? Mine has holes.

Dear Mr. Kost:

Thank you for your comments concerning ZIPLOC® Storage Bags. It is not often that people take time to contact a manufacturer to compliment its products. Your comments about the quality of ZIPLOC Storage Bags are most encouraging, and I assure you that we appreciate them.

It is our sincere desire at DowBrands to offer only quality products to consumers. Comments such as yours are certainly convincing evidence that we are succeeding. In answer to your question on the zipping up of a post office building, we have never made such a big bag.

Please accept the enclosed coupons with our compliments. If you aren't already using some of these products, we know you will enjoy using them as much as you currently enjoy ZIPLOC Storage Bags.

Thanks again, Mr. Kost, for your interest in our products and for taking time to contact us. It is always a pleasure to hear from a satisfied customer!

Sincerely,
Jody Long
Communication Specialist
Consumer Affairs

RECEIVED: TWO ZIPLOC COUPONS

Miami Heat/Orlando Magic/Utah Jazz 3/31/96

2006-02-13T12:41:00.000-08:00

S. William Kost
P.O. Box 598
Clackamas, OR 97015

March 20, 1996
Public Relations Director
c/o The Miami Heat NBA Team
721 NW 1st Ave / Miami Arena
Miami, FL 33136

Dear Director,

When I want to refer to a player from the Los Angeles Lakers, I call him a Laker. If it's a player for the Detroit Pistons, he is a Piston. However, if I should want to speak of a player on your team, the Miami Heat (and I sometimes do), I have no idea what to call him.

Do I call him a Heater? Or a Heatman? How about a Flame? Or possibly I don't call him anything at all, but when speaking about him, simultaneously light a match.

I would appreciate it if you could please respond with the official title for one of your players.

Riley is Best,

S. William Kost

P.S. Do you make any trading cards featuring those kids who wipe up sweat underneath the baskets? I think they deserve it.

Public Relations Director
c/o The Orlando Magic NBA Team
P.O. Box 76
Orlando, FL 32802

Dear Director,

When I want to refer to a player from the Los Angeles Lakers, I call him a Laker. If it's a player for the Detroit Pistons, he is a Piston. However, if I should want to speak of a player on your team, the Orlando Magic (and I sometimes do), I have no idea what to call him.

Do I call him a Magicker? Or a Magician? Or maybe I don't call him anything at all, but when speaking about him, simultaneously make a red foam ball disappear.

I would appreciate it if you could please respond with the official title for one of your players.

"Raq"ing my Brain (get it?),

S. William Kost

P.S. Do you make any trading cards featuring those kids who give Gatorade to the players during time-outs? They're pretty important, too.

Public Relations Director
c/o The Utah Jazz NBA Team
301 W. South Temple
Salt Lake City, UT 84101

Dear Director,

When I want to refer to a player from the Los Angeles Lakers, I call him a Laker. If it's a player for the Detroit Pistons, he is a Piston. However, if I should want to speak of a player on your team, the Utah Jazz (and I sometimes do), I have no idea what to call him.

Do I call him a Jazzer? Or a Musician? Or maybe I don't call him anything at all, but when speaking about him, simultaneously play a song on the sax?

I would appreciate it if you could please respond with the official title for one of your players.

Awaiting the Mailman,

S. William Kost

P.S. Do you make any trading cards featuring that ridiculous guy who calls out the player's name really loud when he makes a 3-pointer? I sure hope not.

Dear S. William:

Thank you for your recent letter inquiring information from our team. In speaking of an individual player on our team, you would technically refer to him as a Jazz,—just as an Orlando player would be a Magic and a Miami player a Heat. Because this is an awkward sounding phrase, many writers refer to individual team members as Jazzman, or Jazz player. The only saxophone currently being used in conjunction with our team is a prop on the cover of HomeCourt, our team magazine. I have included a copy for your enjoyment.

We hope this clarifies the issue. Thank you for your interest in the Utah Jazz.

Sincerely,
David K. Allred
Vice President
Public Relations

GE Lighting 3/20/96, 4/17/96

2006-02-13T12:21:00.000-08:00

S. William Kost
P.O. Box 598
Clackamas, OR 97015

March 20, 1996
General Electric Company
GE Lighting, Nela Park
Cleveland, OH 44112
Attention: Sales Dept.

Dear Lighting Salesperson,

I would like more information about ordering your "Big Bucket o' Bulbs for $25" as advertised in Northwest Frugality Quarterly (Spring '96, pg. 72). As I am the caretaker for a large nighttime skydiving facility, I know the importance of high quality bulbs in mass quantities; one defective bulb could mean the difference between a safe landing and waking up hanging upside-down by a thin rope from a fifty-foot tree branch.

My main concern is that there will be a limit to the number of Buckets I may purchase. I am certain that many other readers have already taken advantage of this offer; this probably means that your supply may run out too soon if I were to place an order for approximately six thousand Buckets as planned. If this is a problem, please contact me as soon as possible. Thank you.

Sincerely,

S. William Kost

P.S. Could you send me an XL T-shirt for my brother Fritz in the Army? He's a big fan, too!

NO RESPONSE... SECOND TRY

S. William Kost
P.O. Box 598
Clackamas, OR 97015

April 17, 1996
General Electric Company
GE Lighting, Nela Park
Cleveland, OH 44112
Attention: Sales Dept.

Dear Lighting Salesperson,

About a month ago I wrote to you asking for information concerning a Big Bucket o' Bulbs for $25, as advertised in a recent issue of Northwest Frugality Quarterly. Well, I feel a bit embarrassed; I was mistaken about the type of bulbs that were featured. They were of the botanical variety, not the electrical! I hope that I haven't caused you any undue stress, making you run around frantically searching for an ad you know nothing about so it can be stopped immediately. I know the feeling. Last year, I was reading the newspaper, and in the help-wanted section was an ad which had my company's name (Alberta's Night Drop Skydiving) and my phone number—but the ad was looking for a full-time pasta cook (from Alberto's Italian restaurant)! Well, the paper didn't have a number to call, so they found Alberta's in the phone book and ran the ad with that number! Never mind how they missed the Night Drop Skydiving part of my listing....

So again, I'm terribly sorry for the confusion. And, to let you know, I found an alternative to the massive number of light bulbs! I was just today put in touch with a guy who runs a firefly farm very close to my drop zone! This will save me thousands in electric bills, not to mention broken-glass-related injuries from all of the trampled bulbs!

Thanks again for your time! Bye!

Glowing with Excitement,

S. William Kost

P.S. Next time you're in the Portland area, be sure to stop by for a tour!

AGAIN, NO RESPONSE

Parker Brothers 3/20/96

2006-02-13T11:43:00.000-08:00

S. William Kost
P.O. Box 598
Clackamas, OR 97015

March 20, 1996
Parker Brothers Company
c/o Tonka Corporation
Attn: Product Development Coordinator
Beverly, MA 01915

Dear Coordinator,

Let me first say that I have enjoyed the countless hours I have spent playing your fine quality games over the years. I have definitely seen the results of the obvious hard work each and every one of you have put into the production of these American gems.

Recently, I was introduced to your game, Balderdash. I like the concept of a team of players guessing the correct definition of an unusual word. Not only is it a blast at parties, but it is very educational and beneficial for the enrichment of one's vocabulary. Three cheers for creating a game which, in stimulating the mind, is a fresh contrast to the brain numbing rubbish of video games our young people are addicted to today.

While playing this game with my sister, Annabelle, and her three sons, Oxford (19), Lucas (16) and Fritz (14), I have found myself surprisingly good at making up false definitions for the words you have provided. And this success has led me to create new words for new things I have newly defined (or redefined). It is for this reason that I would like to suggest to you new possibilities for words to be included in a future edition of Balderdash:

UNABLE: Not able.           UNCHEWED: Not chewed.
UNAFRAID: Not afraid.       UNCLEAN: Not clean.
UNATTACHED: Not attached.   UNCOMMON: Not common.
UNAWARE: Not aware.         UNCONSCIOUS: Not conscious.
UNBALANCED: Not balanced.   UNCOOKED: Not cooked.
UNBROKEN: Not broken.       UNCOUNTED: Not counted.
UNBURNT: Not burnt.         UNCOVERED: Not covered.
UNCERTAIN: Not certain.     UNDECIDED: Not decided.

This is, believe it or not, only a small part of the list I've been making lately. If these words can be used in a future edition of Balderdash, I would be happy to sell you the rest of my list at $25-per-fifty words. Thanks again for years of fun!

Sincerely,

S. William Kost

P.S. Can you help me come up with a word meaning "not written"?

Dear Mr. Kost:

Thank you very much for your inquiry about submitting words for the BALDERDASH game.

While we appreciate your taking the time to write to us with your suggestion, you must realize that Parker Brothers is continually working on revisions to our existing games to improve appearance and play value.

Unfortunately, Parker Brothers cannot consider any suggestions which we receive with regard to existing games since such suggestions may conflict with ongoing development projects.

We appreciate your interest and send you our best wishes for continued enjoyment of Parker Brothers' games and toys.

Sincerely,
Evelyn Cuoco
Consumer Relations Administrator

Tyco Toys 3/20/96

2006-02-11T00:37:00.000-08:00

S. William Kost
P.O. Box 598
Clackamas, OR 97015

March 20, 1996
TYCO Industries, Inc.
Attn: Product Development Dept.
Mt. Laurel, NJ 08054

Dear Product Developers,

I am a 63-year-old retiree living alone in a tiny apartment on the eastside of Portland, Oregon. I can't stand it here. After 35 years of financial success as a turtle polisher in the West Indies (you'd be surprised how big the market is), I have been reduced to a poor old man whose only hobby is waiting at the mailbox for the paltry Social Security check to arrive. I want out of this sewer, and I want out fast. And the only way I know how is to invent something that will sell quickly, and in large numbers. And that, my friends, is why I am writing to you.

While strolling down the toy aisles at the local Fred Meyer store, I ran across one of your toys called a "Magic 8-Ball". I was dumbstruck by the simplicity of the device. You take a plastic ball, fill it with blue water, plop in a tiny pyramid with some mystical sounding phrases, and wham! Kids and adults will actually believe that this thing is revealing the great mysteries of life with the flick of the wrist!

I have noticed, however, that the phrases in the 8-ball seem, well, a bit bland. I would be a bit disappointed to ask the ball an important question, to literally entrust my life's decisions to this thing, and have it answer a simple "maybe" or "very possible". I propose a new, improved Magic 8-Ball, a Red-Hot-In-Your-Face 8-Ball, with phrases such as, "Get a Life, Stupid Jerk!" and "As If You Had A Chance, LOSER" and "You Can Bet Your Life On It, Genius"!

So what do you say? As a Special Project Contributor, I would be able to come up with dozens, if not hundreds, of sharp-edged phrases for a new Magic 8-Ball. For conceiving of this project, of course, I would ask for a modest but fair percentage of the profits of this item, and before long, I could kiss this life of misery behind!

I don't have a phone right now, or one of those new internet e-mail things, either. So for the time being, all correspondence will have to be by mail. I look forward to your reply!

Sitting by the Stinking Mailbox,

S. William Kost

P.S. I collect XL T-shirts and ball caps for my nephew, Fritz (who is typing this on his computer for me). If you have any lying around, he'd sure be proud to wear one.

Dear S. William:

Thank you for your interest in Tyco as a possible outlet for your new product idea. We are always pleased to encourage the development of new toys and other products.

Unfortunately, Tyco limits the submission of outside product ideas to a select group of inventors, designers and agents. I am sure that you can imagine how many unsolicited product submissions Tyco receives each year. Time and our staffing limitations do not allow for handling and reviewing of each one individually. We are aware that this policy may occasionally cause us to miss a valuable opportunity. So we have established an alternative approach for inventors who are interested in pursuing the development of their new products.

You are always free to establish a relationship with an agent or broker that specialized in the licensing or development of new products for toy companies. All of the sources named on the enclosed list present new products to Tyco on a regular basis, although no one of them more than any other has any special relationship with Tyco.

By using an agent or broker you will have the opportunity to work personally with someone who is experienced in the development and selection of new toys for licensing to major toy companies like Tyco. Each of the companies has special interests, expertise and requirements, and we have tried to list as sources only those agents who are familiar with ours.

Please understand that using any agent or broker is no assurance that your new product idea will be presented to Tyco or anyone else or that it will be licensed. But it is a chance to have it reviewed by someone with a good deal of experience in our field.

Once again, we want to thank you for your interest in Tyco Toys, and to wish you good luck with your new product.

Sincerely,
David Berko, Vice President
Business Development

Enclosed: Broker List

Franz Bakery 3/31/96, 12/27/97

2006-02-10T13:01:00.000-08:00

S. William Kost
P.O. Box 598
Clackamas, OR 97015

March 31, 1996
Franz Bakery
Attn.: Customer Service Manager
P.O. Box 14769
Portland,OR 97214

Dear Manager,

I have been eating Franz Bread for at least twenty years, and I think it's the best bread on the market today. I have tried other brands, and they don't match the quality you put into each slice of your spectacular bread. Like the old commercial goes, "Franz Bread—the Good Bread! Flavor Beyond Compare!"

I have always wondered, however, if there aren't any other uses for bread besides eating. One would think that after so many years of having bread around the house, that somebody in the world would invent another use for it. Is it because of its perishable nature? Or maybe its softness doesn't lend itself to practical use.

The only thing I could think of, perhaps, is maybe an emergency gauze pad as you're being rushed to the hospital or something. Franz bread does a great job of soaking up spaghetti sauce and egg yolks, so why not gushing blood or brains?

If you have hears of any non-eating uses for bread, I would love to know of them. Perhaps you have a pamphlet full of household tips and tricks for using bread in other-than-mealtime situations. Please rush me that material!

By the way, sometimes when I drive by the big bakery on 12th St. I can smell your fabulous bread baking Heaven!!

Loafing Around,

S. William Kost

P.S. Could you send me an XL T-shirt for my brother Fritz in the Army? He's a big fan, too!

NO RESPONSE...SO I TRIED AGAIN A FEW MONTHS LATER

S. William Kost
P.O. Box 598
Clackamas, OR 97015

December 27, 1997
Franz Bakery
P.O. Box 14769
Portland,OR 97214
Attn.: Customer Service

Dear Franz,

A year and 1/2 ago I wrote to you with some questions about bread and bread products. Now I know you can be pretty busy baking bbread down there (I know, I can smell it often!), but surely you've had a few moments time to respond to an enquiry by a loyal customer.

I'm not here to criticize, however. My main purpose for writing, aside from seeking the answer to my orignal questions (letter enclosed) is to offer my services as a comsumer affairs person. Since I can see how busy you are, why not have a person whos only job is to answer mail in a curteous, timely fashion?

I'm no idiot; I can answer whatever people ask with informed responses (or educated guesses if their questons are way out in left field) I'm okay at typing and wouldn't ask for too much—8.50 an hour + bread discounts.

Either way, could I get the answer to my original questions about bread? (letter enclosed) And promise me that you'll keep making the best darn bread in the world.

I don't loaf around,

S. William Kost

Dear Mr. Kost:

Please accept my sincere apology that you did not receive a response to the letter you wrote in March of 1996. I will enclose a couple of coupons for your use to make up for the late response.

if you have questions as to the production of our bread, there are tours of the bakery that you can schedule by calling ahead to Clare Cunningham (503) 000-0000, ext. 000. Clare usually takes school children through the bakery, however, if you have patience, I am sure she will have an adult group in the near future.

As far as having a full time person to answer mail to customers, I have a full time secretary for that. We do try to address questions and concerns that our customers have because we know that it is the customer who keeps us in business.

Bread for other purposes besides eating...hmm, I suppose you could use it for anything you wanted to use it for. As a bakery, we are doing our best to keep up with the demands for bread consumption. So far, we feel we are doing a good job. We are delighted that you are enjoying our bread. The drive by aroma is on us.

Sincerely,
Marc Albers
General Manager

Butterfinger 4/17/96

2006-02-10T12:15:00.000-08:00

S. William Kost
P.O. Box 598
Clackamas, OR 97015

April 17, 1996
Butterfinger Candy Bars
c/o Nestlé Food Company
Glendale, CA 91203

Dear Candy Makers,

I have liked Butterfinger candy bars for as long as I can remember! There hasn't been one little thing that has made me not want to pick one up at the store after work every day since July, 1989! (Except for lack of appetite, due to the fact that I unload trucks at a cloth-diaper service laundry center and things can get pretty rancid in there.)

In the last few years, I have become a bit concerned with the people who handle your advertising there at "Candy Bar Central". Your TV ads, which have features the humorous Bart Simpson, use a couple of words I don't understand. Now, I'm not the smartest guy in the world (1.34 GPA), but I can plainly tell when somebody's throwing around fake words to sell their candy bars.

In short, what do "crespety" and "crounchety" mean? I can't find them in any dictionary. Please clear this up soon.

A faithful eater,

S. William Kost

P.S. Do you have any custom printed Butterfinger T-shirts (XL) that you don't want? My brother Fritz collects them.

Dear Mr. Kost:

Thank you for writing us about Nestlé Butterfinger. We welcome questions and comments from our consumers regarding our products.

The phrase "crispety, crunchety, peanut-buttery" is used to describe the texture and taste of the Butterfinger bar. Although the words in this phrase are not defined by the dictionary, we felt that they were the best words to describe our product. We have reported your comments to our marketing department.

We appreciate your interest in our product.

Sincerely,
Chris Cappiello
Senior Consumer Correspondent

Kentucky Fried Chicken USA 3/19/96

2006-02-09T22:50:00.000-08:00

S. William Kost
P.O. Box 598
Clackamas, OR 97015

March 19, 1996
Kentucky Fried Chicken USA
Attn: Director of Marketing
1441 Gardner Ln.
Louisville, KY 40213

Dear Director,

I have been a frequent patron of many of your fine Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurants. I especially enjoy oyur Colonel's Original Recipe chicken, featuring Eleven Herbs and Spices. What a treat!

There has been an item of concern, however, since the first day my dad, Fritz, and mother, Edith, took me to a "Speck" over 25 years ago. Your advertisements have claimed that your chicken is "Finger Lickin' Good". At the same time, you provide "Moist Towelettes" to clean the chicken stuff off of one's fingers. As a consumer, I would like to know why, if you advocate licking food off of one's fingers, do you contradict that position by sneaking in the alternative. I am perfectly happy with the "digit-mouth" method, and personally feel that if you eliminated the other option, you could save a bundle of money (not to mention moist trees).

I don't plan to stop visiting your restaurants because of this (25 years proves that!) but I would be interested to know how you would address this issue.

Many thanks for years of great chicken!

S. William Kost

P.S. How would I go about getting an autographed photo of Colonel Sanders?

Handwritten response, on my original letter:

Mr. Kost:

Thank you for many years of patronage and interest in our company. While the Colonel knew his recipe was indeed "Finger Lickin' Good", he also knew that the towlettes would provide a fresh clean feeling after a delicious KFC meal. The Colonel passed away in 1980 so we have no opportunity for an autographed picture, but I believe you will enjoy the enclosed material.

S. Topmiller

Note: Shirley Topmiller was Colonel Sanders' personal secretary.

Spaghetti Warehouse, Inc. 3/19/96

2006-02-09T22:37:00.000-08:00

S. William Kost
P.O. Box 598
Clackamas, OR 97015

March 19, 1996
Spaghetti Warehouse, Inc.
Attn.: Personnel Manager
9009 Regency Square Blvd.
Jacksonville, FL 32211

RE: APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT

Dear Manager,

I recently became aware of your company when I was looking through the Jacksonville telephone directory. I was at the library helping my blind cousin Fritz (who lives in Jacksonville) search for an honest car dealer when I ran across your listing. When I told Fritz about this place, he suggested that I write to you inquiring about employment opportunities.

I don't know if you have any available openings, but I think I would be more than qualified to operate a forklift at your warehouse. I have had nearly twelve years' experience at different warehouse positions, including two years as a shipping assistant at Yoshida (a sauce manufacturer).

I am more than willing to relocate to Jacksonville if I can get a job there as a forklift operator. My hours, salary, benefits and other details can be worked out at a later time. Right now, I am just enthusiastic about this opportunity to move in with my cousin. (And he can't wait for me to come down there, as he lives alone and injures himself frequently on furniture and kitchen appliances.)

I do not have a resumé prepared yet, but I will send you one when I hear from you. At present, I don't have a phone line of my own (I call Fritz from a pay phone three blocks down the street), so all correspondence will have to be made by mail.

May I just say that it has been as much of a thrill writing to you today as it will be to receive your reply! Many thanks for your time!

Sincerely,

S. William Kost

P.S. If I will be required to wear a uniform, I wear a 3XL shirt and 46-inch waist pants.

NO RESPONSE

Office of Vital Records 3/19/96, 3/31/98

2006-02-06T10:39:00.000-08:00

S. William Kost
P.O. Box 598
Clackamas, OR 97015

March 19, 1996
State of Oregon, Health Division
Clerk, Office of Vital Records
800 NE Oregon St.
Portland OR 97232

RE: NAME CHANGE INQUIRY

Dear Clerk,

My name is Stanley William Kost. For the past 23 years, I have had to live with this name for any and all purposes. Frankly, I am getting a little bit bored with it, and would like to create a little variety in how people address me. For this reason, I am writing to you. Since having my name changed would be an important factor in recrafting my identity, I knew it was in good order to ask a few questions regarding my name:

1. Would it be possible to change my name to simply an "S"? It would mean versatility, in that I could go by Stan (still), Shawn, Steve, Scott, Sergio or even Susan! (Did Harry S Truman ever realize this power?)

2. How many names may I legally have? I like a great deal of names (including Dave, Daniel, Fritz, Bobo, Tracewell, Toné, and Arvydas), and would like to be able to accommodate them all, if possible. Is there a legal maximum?

3. Do you keep statistics on name popularity? Are they published in the form of a word find? (I like word finds.)

4. Many people change their names to make a statement to the public. Would I be able to do the same? I think "Floss Regularly" would be helpful in today's careless society.

5. Can I add stipulations to my name, so that if it was printed, the publisher would be required to use Bold Print?

6. May I change my name to a number, such as 473 (my favorite)? What about symbols (!) or maybe pictures (☺)?

7. If I make up a unique name, for instance Zwerfgoz, can I copyright it so nobody else in the world can share it?

I appreciate your taking the time to read this letter, and I hope you can respond very soon. I have a family reunion coming up in June and I want to show off the new me!

Nomenclaturally yours,

S. William Kost

P.S. Would you be able to send an autographed picture of yourself or someone you admire? It may help me to make up my mind.

Center for Health Statistics
P.O. Box 14050
Portland, OR 97214-0050

Dear Mr. Kost,

This is in reference to your letter asking about changing your name. You did not indicate if you were born in Oregon. I can only speak to the requirements in Oregon so if you were not born in this state you will need to contact the state in which you were born. They will then be able to provide you with the information concerning changing your name on your birth record.

An Oregon birth record reflects the name given to a child by their parent. In order to change that name legally you must petition the court for a order to change your name.

The judge will determine if he/she will grant a name changed based on what is presented to them. If the judge allows you to change your name to a number or symbol and you were born in this state then this office will record that information on your original birth record. At this time we do not have the equipment necessary to have your name appear as a picture, your example "smiley face". You may want to ask the judge your other legal questions, such as can you copyright your name, or can you require your name to be printed in bold. This office cannot provide legal advise.

You may want to give serious consideration to changing your original birth record. Any future change in names would again require a court order including amendment fees and court fees. You should also be aware that the process of obtaining copies of records could involve more time, as any request would require special handling if you used other than alphabetical characters to indicate your name. Perhaps before you make this decision you should also inquiry of other governmental agencies, i.e. social security, passport, IRS, etc., their requirements if you should make a name change.

Once the court has granted a name change a certified copy of that order plus our current amendment/copy fee of $40.00 must be submitted to this office.

We will change an original Oregon birth record by drawing one line through the old name(s), typing in the new name(s) and making a notation on the certificate showing by what authority we made this change (court order).

Sincerely,
Sharon Rice
Manager, Registration Unit

Two years later....

☺
P.O. Box 598
Clackamas, OR 97015

March 31, 1998
Center for Health Statistics
Attn.: Sharon Rice, Mgr., Registration Unit
P.O. Box 14050
Portland, OR 97214-0050

Dear Ms. Rice,

Since it's been more than two years since I wrote to you, you probably don't remember me. My legal name is Stanley William Kost, and I wrote to you concerning name changes. For all intents and purposes, I have chosen to be known as ☺ (Shift-J, Wingdings font). That's why I'm writing to you again.

Can I use ☺ as my name without having to go through the formalities of legally changing my name? I'll still sign official stuff with my legal name; it's just that I'm a happy person, and I'd like my name to reflect that. People could address me as ☺ on paper, in conversation and in all other circumstances.

My argument is this: "Skeet" Ulrich? "Rush" Limbaugh? "Tipper" Gore? Certainly these couldn't be the legal names their mothers gave them at birth! Yet everyone knows them by those names. I'd just like to do the same with ☺!

Now, hypothetically speaking, let us say that I want to change my name again, down the line. Is this possible? I'm thinking I might like "Draycor the Magnificent", "Papadooley Maranificus", and "Alloftheabove Wilkins". Also, I've thought of cashing on Leonardo DiCaprio's star power by sharing that name with him. Is there a limit (finances notwithstanding) to how many times I can change it? If so, I could potentially visit your office every week with a new name request!

Please respond with any information soon. By the way, I like your name, too!

Banana fanna fo fanna,
☺

P.S. Please send an XL-T-shirt or a pen.

Center for Health Statistics
P.O. Box 14050
Portland, OR 97214-0050

RE: Stanley William Kost to ☺

I am writing in response to your correspondence of March 31, 1998 requesting information regarding name changes. In the State of Oregon you may assume a name as long as it is not for fraudulent purposes. I am not an attorney, so I can't tell you if it's legal to assume the name of another person in an attempt to cash in on a star's power (as you stated in your letter). In response to your question regarding if there is a limit of how many times you may change your name, we have no limit. There is a limit, however, to how much space is available on a birth certificate to show all of the changes to a name. Each name would be required to be listed and then a line drawn through it upon a change to another name. Each change would also require a footnote at the bottom of the certificate to explain why the certificate had been amended.

[blah blah blah, repeating the required procedure and fees]

Sincerely,
Edward J. Johnson, II
State Registrar

Donna Nyberg
Amendment Clerk