The Prank Letters of S. William Kost

Over the last ten years, I have written dozens of joke letters, sometimes under pseudonyms, to companies large and small in America and around the world. Many of these companies have written back.


Friday, February 10, 2006

Franz Bakery 3/31/96, 12/27/97

S. William Kost
P.O. Box 598
Clackamas, OR 97015

March 31, 1996

Franz Bakery
Attn.: Customer Service Manager
P.O. Box 14769
Portland,OR 97214

Dear Manager,

I have been eating Franz Bread for at least twenty years, and I think it's the best bread on the market today. I have tried other brands, and they don't match the quality you put into each slice of your spectacular bread. Like the old commercial goes, "Franz Bread—the Good Bread! Flavor Beyond Compare!"

I have always wondered, however, if there aren't any other uses for bread besides eating. One would think that after so many years of having bread around the house, that somebody in the world would invent another use for it. Is it because of its perishable nature? Or maybe its softness doesn't lend itself to practical use.

The only thing I could think of, perhaps, is maybe an emergency gauze pad as you're being rushed to the hospital or something. Franz bread does a great job of soaking up spaghetti sauce and egg yolks, so why not gushing blood or brains?

If you have hears of any non-eating uses for bread, I would love to know of them. Perhaps you have a pamphlet full of household tips and tricks for using bread in other-than-mealtime situations. Please rush me that material!

By the way, sometimes when I drive by the big bakery on 12th St. I can smell your fabulous bread baking Heaven!!

Loafing Around,

S. William Kost

P.S. Could you send me an XL T-shirt for my brother Fritz in the Army? He's a big fan, too!


S. William Kost
P.O. Box 598
Clackamas, OR 97015

December 27, 1997

Franz Bakery
P.O. Box 14769
Portland,OR 97214
Attn.: Customer Service

Dear Franz,

A year and 1/2 ago I wrote to you with some questions about bread and bread products. Now I know you can be pretty busy baking bbread down there (I know, I can smell it often!), but surely you've had a few moments time to respond to an enquiry by a loyal customer.

I'm not here to criticize, however. My main purpose for writing, aside from seeking the answer to my orignal questions (letter enclosed) is to offer my services as a comsumer affairs person. Since I can see how busy you are, why not have a person whos only job is to answer mail in a curteous, timely fashion?

I'm no idiot; I can answer whatever people ask with informed responses (or educated guesses if their questons are way out in left field) I'm okay at typing and wouldn't ask for too much—8.50 an hour + bread discounts.

Either way, could I get the answer to my original questions about bread? (letter enclosed) And promise me that you'll keep making the best darn bread in the world.

I don't loaf around,

S. William Kost

Dear Mr. Kost:

Please accept my sincere apology that you did not receive a response to the letter you wrote in March of 1996. I will enclose a couple of coupons for your use to make up for the late response.

if you have questions as to the production of our bread, there are tours of the bakery that you can schedule by calling ahead to Clare Cunningham (503) 000-0000, ext. 000. Clare usually takes school children through the bakery, however, if you have patience, I am sure she will have an adult group in the near future.

As far as having a full time person to answer mail to customers, I have a full time secretary for that. We do try to address questions and concerns that our customers have because we know that it is the customer who keeps us in business.

Bread for other purposes besides eating...hmm, I suppose you could use it for anything you wanted to use it for. As a bakery, we are doing our best to keep up with the demands for bread consumption. So far, we feel we are doing a good job. We are delighted that you are enjoying our bread. The drive by aroma is on us.

Marc Albers
General Manager


Blogger Meagan said...

Wouldn't it be hilarious if you happened to meet Marc Albers all these years later? Like if he started going to your church or something. Hopefully he wouldn't remember your name! Or you guys could become good buddies and then you remind him about the letters and his reply.

Yeah, that'd be funny.

2/10/2006 6:07 PM  

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