The Prank Letters of S. William Kost

Over the last ten years, I have written dozens of joke letters, sometimes under pseudonyms, to companies large and small in America and around the world. Many of these companies have written back.

S. WILLIAM KOST

Monday, February 13, 2006

Miami Heat/Orlando Magic/Utah Jazz 3/31/96


S. William Kost
P.O. Box 598
Clackamas, OR 97015

March 20, 1996

Public Relations Director
c/o The Miami Heat NBA Team
721 NW 1st Ave / Miami Arena
Miami, FL 33136

Dear Director,

When I want to refer to a player from the Los Angeles Lakers, I call him a Laker. If it's a player for the Detroit Pistons, he is a Piston. However, if I should want to speak of a player on your team, the Miami Heat (and I sometimes do), I have no idea what to call him.

Do I call him a Heater? Or a Heatman? How about a Flame? Or possibly I don't call him anything at all, but when speaking about him, simultaneously light a match.

I would appreciate it if you could please respond with the official title for one of your players.

Riley is Best,

S. William Kost

P.S. Do you make any trading cards featuring those kids who wipe up sweat underneath the baskets? I think they deserve it.

Public Relations Director
c/o The Orlando Magic NBA Team
P.O. Box 76
Orlando, FL 32802

Dear Director,

When I want to refer to a player from the Los Angeles Lakers, I call him a Laker. If it's a player for the Detroit Pistons, he is a Piston. However, if I should want to speak of a player on your team, the Orlando Magic (and I sometimes do), I have no idea what to call him.

Do I call him a Magicker? Or a Magician? Or maybe I don't call him anything at all, but when speaking about him, simultaneously make a red foam ball disappear.

I would appreciate it if you could please respond with the official title for one of your players.

"Raq"ing my Brain (get it?),

S. William Kost

P.S. Do you make any trading cards featuring those kids who give Gatorade to the players during time-outs? They're pretty important, too.

Public Relations Director
c/o The Utah Jazz NBA Team
301 W. South Temple
Salt Lake City, UT 84101

Dear Director,

When I want to refer to a player from the Los Angeles Lakers, I call him a Laker. If it's a player for the Detroit Pistons, he is a Piston. However, if I should want to speak of a player on your team, the Utah Jazz (and I sometimes do), I have no idea what to call him.

Do I call him a Jazzer? Or a Musician? Or maybe I don't call him anything at all, but when speaking about him, simultaneously play a song on the sax?

I would appreciate it if you could please respond with the official title for one of your players.

Awaiting the Mailman,

S. William Kost

P.S. Do you make any trading cards featuring that ridiculous guy who calls out the player's name really loud when he makes a 3-pointer? I sure hope not.


Dear S. William:

Thank you for your recent letter inquiring information from our team. In speaking of an individual player on our team, you would technically refer to him as a Jazz,—just as an Orlando player would be a Magic and a Miami player a Heat. Because this is an awkward sounding phrase, many writers refer to individual team members as Jazzman, or Jazz player. The only saxophone currently being used in conjunction with our team is a prop on the cover of HomeCourt, our team magazine. I have included a copy for your enjoyment.

We hope this clarifies the issue. Thank you for your interest in the Utah Jazz.

Sincerely,
David K. Allred
Vice President
Public Relations


3 Comments:

Blogger Meagan said...

Look at that. Good old Utah Jazz answered your questions for all three teams in one!

2/16/2006 4:39 PM  
Blogger stan said...

Efficient, they were.

2/16/2006 5:13 PM  
Anonymous Farah said...

So Love Miami Heat.. And I'm gonna be updated with Heat tickets online. If you are a Heat fan, you too must be keep updated!

1/16/2012 3:49 AM  

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