The Prank Letters of S. William Kost

Over the last ten years, I have written dozens of joke letters, sometimes under pseudonyms, to companies large and small in America and around the world. Many of these companies have written back.


Thursday, March 16, 2006

Mayor Vera Katz 12/10/97

Written by hand (sloppily), when I actually lived in the city.

S. William Kost
P.O. Box 598
Clackamas, OR 97015

December 10, 1997

The Honorable Mayor Vera Katz
Office of the Mayor
Portland, OR 97204

Dear Mayor Katz,

Portland is such a wonderful city. I have lived here all of my life (25 years), and I may just live here 25 more.

One of the traditions of Portland I like is the annual Peacock Lane show of lights. They're sure festive, aren't they? I like to go every year,but lately I've found that as a driver, it's more and more difficult to concentrate on looking at the lights because I have to keep looking at the car in front of me so as not to rear-end it. As if the cars weren't moving slow enough—a rear-end accident would just make it that much worse.

So, why doesn't the city install a conveyor track into Peacock Lane, similar to one found in an automatic car wash? A driver would be guided onto the track, put car in neutral and be able to totally focus on the splendor of the lights (not the brake lights in front of them). All it would take would be an attendant each night to guide cars in (creating jobs!) and metal plate to put over it in the off-season (like a manhole cover).

I think it's a great idea. Most of my friends thinks o too, except for the kids (who don't have to drive)—they don't care either way.

Please write back to me and tell me what you think. If you want to, I can tell you about some of my other ideas (tinted contact lenses; chrome plated personal drinking straws). My address is at the beginning of the letter.

Thanks a million! Happy Holidays!

Your Fellow Citizen,

S. William Kost

Dear Mr. Kost:

Thank you for contacting my office regarding your idea for Peacock Lane.

Although I empathize with you regarding the car traffic on Peacock Lane, I would encourage you to consider walking the lane. The concerns about traffic collisions on the lane are warranted. However, given the utmost caution exhibited by the vast majority of attentive drivers; the problem has been minimized.

Given the reduction in city services, the City is in no position to consider this proposal at the expense of other essential public services.

Again, thank you for contacting my office with your idea.


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