The Prank Letters of S. William Kost

Over the last ten years, I have written dozens of joke letters, sometimes under pseudonyms, to companies large and small in America and around the world. Many of these companies have written back.


Friday, March 31, 2006

Seattle Aquarium 3/31/98

S. William Kost
P.O. Box 598
Clackamas, OR 97015

March 31, 1998

Seattle Aquarium
Lost and Found
1483 Alaskan Way
Waterfront Park, Pier 59
Seattle, WA 98101

Dear Lost and Found Manager,

I had the pleasure of visiting your fine Aquarium last year while on a family vacation. My wife, Cindy, my two sons, Aaron and Doug, and my niece Francesca spent the afternoon of July 18 taking in all of the sights and sounds of your beautiful facility. We stood in awe of the majestic octopus. We laughed at the crazy antics of the penguins. We accidentally dropped our toaster into the seal tank.

You read correctly. I'm embarrassed to admit this horrible debacle to you, but I must bite the bullet and press on. You see, we Kosts have a family tradition of going to nearby Laurelhurst Park and feeding bread to the ducks. In recent years, we have decided it would be a special treat to the friendly fowl if we were to toast the bread we gave them. We've taken our toaster directly to the park, secured an electrical outlet, and cooked up an entire loaf of fresh Poulsbo bread at once. The ducks love it!

This year, we chose to take this tradition on the road. As we were planning to go to the Seattle Aquarium anyway, we thought it would be harmless to bring our toaster inside and treat your seals to a fresh toast breakfast. Your friendly employee Mr. Jenkins said it would be no trouble at all. The problem occurred when we couldn't find an outlet to plug the machine into; while searching, I carelessly set the toaster on the ledge of the tank, and one of your seals, thinking it was a new toy, pulled on the cord with his teeth. Ker-plunk! I panicked at that point, and shuffled the family out of there as quickly as possible.

For months I thought I could just sweep this tragedy under the rug, but alas, my conscience spoke loudest. My friends, I humbly apologize for the trouble I surely must have caused you. I was also wondering if I could get my toaster back. It is a Black and Decker Model 750-4b, black, wet, with tooth marks in the cord.

Again, I'm sorry. Please respond soon, so my conscience can stop torturing me. And say hello to Mary and Janice in the gift shop.

I burnt the toast this time,

S. William Kost

P.S. Please send an XL T-shirt for cousin Bob.


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