Flents 9/19/96

S. William Kost
P.O. Box 598
Clackamas, OR 97015

September 19, 1996

Flents, Inc.
PO Box 2109
Norwalk, CT 06852

Dear Patch-makers,

A few days ago, I developed a case of pink-eye. It was a bit painful, as you may imagine, and I did what I thought was best to relieve the pain at the time. A friend suggested I block the light going into my eye by using an eye patch. So I bought one of those eye patches which your company made (Item #505). Now, since then, I have been to the doctor, and gotten treatment for my condition. But I'm not ready to retire the eye patch just yet. I plan to wear the patch as a fashion accessory; the "pirate look" has become popular for me since I started wearing the Flents Patch.

The reason I'm writing to you concerns the information printed in the back of the box in which the patch came. You inform the buyer (me) that "Flents offers a fine line" of other products. What I need to know is, do you offer any other pirate-type accessories, i.e. three-pointed hat, parrot, peg leg, etc.? I am anxious to enhance my already popular fashion statement, and an item like a hook-for-a-hand would be a fabulous "punctuation"!

Please let me know as soon as possible, so I have time to search other avenues before the trend shifts. Thank you, and keep up the good work!

Yo-ho-ho,

S. William Kost

Dear Mr. Kost:

Thank you for your letter of September 19, 1996 regarding our full line of products.

In response to your question about other accessories for the "pirate look", we are sorry but we do not carry those types of products.

Enclosed is our catalog showing our full line of products.

We are sorry that we can't help you further.

Cordially,
Sherri L. Cogswell
Customer Service

DowBrands (Ziploc) 3/31/96

S. William Kost
P.O. Box 598
Clackamas, OR 97015

March 31, 1996

DowBrands L.P.
Attn: Cust. Service, Ziploc Division
P.O. Box 65811
Indianapolis, IL 46268-0511

Dear Gripper Zippers,

I have been using your Ziploc Freezer Bags, Storage Bags and Sandwich Bags for many years now, and I have found that nothing keeps food fresher, longer than your product does. Especially those junky Glad bags; I don't really trust that yellow-and-blue-makes-green junk, anyhow. What about color-blind individuals, huh? Did you ever think that you might be confusing the heck out of us?!! (Talking to Glad, not you.)

Anyway, I was talking about how good your bags are with my nephew, Fritz (who is not color-blind), and he said he read somewhere that you once made a Ziploc bag so big, it could completely contain a suburban post office! Is this true? How cool! Of course, if I was inside the post office, checking my P.O. Box or something, I probably wouldn't think it was so cool, because I'd be suffocating, and the way those bags tend to fog up, it'd be hard to see outside, and all of the stamps would get ruined from all the moisture and everything. Unless it was one of those special vegetable bags with the little air holes, in which case it would be okay, because then I could breathe. That might be kind of cool.

So is it true that you made this humongous Storage Bag? If not, what is the biggest bag you've ever fabricated? Is it even bigger than the one Fritz told me about? I would very much like to hear back from you about Big Bag Facts. (If you have a pamphlet, could you make sure it's in black and white? I think you know why.)

Forever Locking In Freshness,

S. William Kost

P.S. Do you have any Ziploc T-shirts (XL)? Mine has holes.

Dear Mr. Kost:

Thank you for your comments concerning ZIPLOC® Storage Bags. It is not often that people take time to contact a manufacturer to compliment its products. Your comments about the quality of ZIPLOC Storage Bags are most encouraging, and I assure you that we appreciate them.

It is our sincere desire at DowBrands to offer only quality products to consumers. Comments such as yours are certainly convincing evidence that we are succeeding. In answer to your question on the zipping up of a post office building, we have never made such a big bag.

Please accept the enclosed coupons with our compliments. If you aren't already using some of these products, we know you will enjoy using them as much as you currently enjoy ZIPLOC Storage Bags.

Thanks again, Mr. Kost, for your interest in our products and for taking time to contact us. It is always a pleasure to hear from a satisfied customer!

Sincerely,
Jody Long
Communication Specialist
Consumer Affairs

RECEIVED: TWO ZIPLOC COUPONS

Miami Heat/Orlando Magic/Utah Jazz 3/31/96

S. William Kost
P.O. Box 598
Clackamas, OR 97015

March 20, 1996

Public Relations Director
c/o The Miami Heat NBA Team
721 NW 1st Ave / Miami Arena
Miami, FL 33136

Dear Director,

When I want to refer to a player from the Los Angeles Lakers, I call him a Laker. If it's a player for the Detroit Pistons, he is a Piston. However, if I should want to speak of a player on your team, the Miami Heat (and I sometimes do), I have no idea what to call him.

Do I call him a Heater? Or a Heatman? How about a Flame? Or possibly I don't call him anything at all, but when speaking about him, simultaneously light a match.

I would appreciate it if you could please respond with the official title for one of your players.

Riley is Best,

S. William Kost

P.S. Do you make any trading cards featuring those kids who wipe up sweat underneath the baskets? I think they deserve it.

Public Relations Director
c/o The Orlando Magic NBA Team
P.O. Box 76
Orlando, FL 32802

Dear Director,

When I want to refer to a player from the Los Angeles Lakers, I call him a Laker. If it's a player for the Detroit Pistons, he is a Piston. However, if I should want to speak of a player on your team, the Orlando Magic (and I sometimes do), I have no idea what to call him.

Do I call him a Magicker? Or a Magician? Or maybe I don't call him anything at all, but when speaking about him, simultaneously make a red foam ball disappear.

I would appreciate it if you could please respond with the official title for one of your players.

"Raq"ing my Brain (get it?),

S. William Kost

P.S. Do you make any trading cards featuring those kids who give Gatorade to the players during time-outs? They're pretty important, too.

Public Relations Director
c/o The Utah Jazz NBA Team
301 W. South Temple
Salt Lake City, UT 84101

Dear Director,

When I want to refer to a player from the Los Angeles Lakers, I call him a Laker. If it's a player for the Detroit Pistons, he is a Piston. However, if I should want to speak of a player on your team, the Utah Jazz (and I sometimes do), I have no idea what to call him.

Do I call him a Jazzer? Or a Musician? Or maybe I don't call him anything at all, but when speaking about him, simultaneously play a song on the sax?

I would appreciate it if you could please respond with the official title for one of your players.

Awaiting the Mailman,

S. William Kost

P.S. Do you make any trading cards featuring that ridiculous guy who calls out the player's name really loud when he makes a 3-pointer? I sure hope not.

Dear S. William:

Thank you for your recent letter inquiring information from our team. In speaking of an individual player on our team, you would technically refer to him as a Jazz,—just as an Orlando player would be a Magic and a Miami player a Heat. Because this is an awkward sounding phrase, many writers refer to individual team members as Jazzman, or Jazz player. The only saxophone currently being used in conjunction with our team is a prop on the cover of HomeCourt, our team magazine. I have included a copy for your enjoyment.

We hope this clarifies the issue. Thank you for your interest in the Utah Jazz.

Sincerely,
David K. Allred
Vice President
Public Relations

GE Lighting 3/20/96, 4/17/96

S. William Kost
P.O. Box 598
Clackamas, OR 97015

March 20, 1996

General Electric Company
GE Lighting, Nela Park
Cleveland, OH 44112
Attention: Sales Dept.

Dear Lighting Salesperson,

I would like more information about ordering your "Big Bucket o' Bulbs for $25" as advertised in Northwest Frugality Quarterly (Spring '96, pg. 72). As I am the caretaker for a large nighttime skydiving facility, I know the importance of high quality bulbs in mass quantities; one defective bulb could mean the difference between a safe landing and waking up hanging upside-down by a thin rope from a fifty-foot tree branch.

My main concern is that there will be a limit to the number of Buckets I may purchase. I am certain that many other readers have already taken advantage of this offer; this probably means that your supply may run out too soon if I were to place an order for approximately six thousand Buckets as planned. If this is a problem, please contact me as soon as possible. Thank you.

Sincerely,

S. William Kost

P.S. Could you send me an XL T-shirt for my brother Fritz in the Army? He's a big fan, too!

NO RESPONSE... SECOND TRY

S. William Kost
P.O. Box 598
Clackamas, OR 97015

April 17, 1996

General Electric Company
GE Lighting, Nela Park
Cleveland, OH 44112
Attention: Sales Dept.

Dear Lighting Salesperson,

About a month ago I wrote to you asking for information concerning a Big Bucket o' Bulbs for $25, as advertised in a recent issue of Northwest Frugality Quarterly. Well, I feel a bit embarrassed; I was mistaken about the type of bulbs that were featured. They were of the botanical variety, not the electrical! I hope that I haven't caused you any undue stress, making you run around frantically searching for an ad you know nothing about so it can be stopped immediately. I know the feeling. Last year, I was reading the newspaper, and in the help-wanted section was an ad which had my company's name (Alberta's Night Drop Skydiving) and my phone number—but the ad was looking for a full-time pasta cook (from Alberto's Italian restaurant)! Well, the paper didn't have a number to call, so they found Alberta's in the phone book and ran the ad with that number! Never mind how they missed the Night Drop Skydiving part of my listing....

So again, I'm terribly sorry for the confusion. And, to let you know, I found an alternative to the massive number of light bulbs! I was just today put in touch with a guy who runs a firefly farm very close to my drop zone! This will save me thousands in electric bills, not to mention broken-glass-related injuries from all of the trampled bulbs!

Thanks again for your time! Bye!

Glowing with Excitement,

S. William Kost

P.S. Next time you're in the Portland area, be sure to stop by for a tour!

AGAIN, NO RESPONSE

Parker Brothers 3/20/96

S. William Kost
P.O. Box 598
Clackamas, OR 97015

March 20, 1996

Parker Brothers Company
c/o Tonka Corporation
Attn: Product Development Coordinator
Beverly, MA 01915

Dear Coordinator,

Let me first say that I have enjoyed the countless hours I have spent playing your fine quality games over the years. I have definitely seen the results of the obvious hard work each and every one of you have put into the production of these American gems.

Recently, I was introduced to your game, Balderdash. I like the concept of a team of players guessing the correct definition of an unusual word. Not only is it a blast at parties, but it is very educational and beneficial for the enrichment of one's vocabulary. Three cheers for creating a game which, in stimulating the mind, is a fresh contrast to the brain numbing rubbish of video games our young people are addicted to today.

While playing this game with my sister, Annabelle, and her three sons, Oxford (19), Lucas (16) and Fritz (14), I have found myself surprisingly good at making up false definitions for the words you have provided. And this success has led me to create new words for new things I have newly defined (or redefined). It is for this reason that I would like to suggest to you new possibilities for words to be included in a future edition of Balderdash:

UNABLE: Not able.           UNCHEWED: Not chewed.   
UNAFRAID: Not afraid.       UNCLEAN: Not clean.
UNATTACHED: Not attached.   UNCOMMON: Not common.
UNAWARE: Not aware.         UNCONSCIOUS: Not conscious.
UNBALANCED: Not balanced.   UNCOOKED: Not cooked.
UNBROKEN: Not broken.       UNCOUNTED: Not counted.
UNBURNT: Not burnt.         UNCOVERED: Not covered.
UNCERTAIN: Not certain.     UNDECIDED: Not decided.

This is, believe it or not, only a small part of the list I've been making lately. If these words can be used in a future edition of Balderdash, I would be happy to sell you the rest of my list at $25-per-fifty words. Thanks again for years of fun!

Sincerely,

S. William Kost

P.S. Can you help me come up with a word meaning "not written"?

Dear Mr. Kost:

Thank you very much for your inquiry about submitting words for the BALDERDASH game.

While we appreciate your taking the time to write to us with your suggestion, you must realize that Parker Brothers is continually working on revisions to our existing games to improve appearance and play value.

Unfortunately, Parker Brothers cannot consider any suggestions which we receive with regard to existing games since such suggestions may conflict with ongoing development projects.

We appreciate your interest and send you our best wishes for continued enjoyment of Parker Brothers' games and toys.

Sincerely,
Evelyn Cuoco
Consumer Relations Administrator

Tyco Toys 3/20/96

S. William Kost
P.O. Box 598
Clackamas, OR 97015

March 20, 1996

TYCO Industries, Inc.
Attn: Product Development Dept.
Mt. Laurel, NJ 08054

Dear Product Developers,

I am a 63-year-old retiree living alone in a tiny apartment on the eastside of Portland, Oregon. I can't stand it here. After 35 years of financial success as a turtle polisher in the West Indies (you'd be surprised how big the market is), I have been reduced to a poor old man whose only hobby is waiting at the mailbox for the paltry Social Security check to arrive. I want out of this sewer, and I want out fast. And the only way I know how is to invent something that will sell quickly, and in large numbers. And that, my friends, is why I am writing to you.

While strolling down the toy aisles at the local Fred Meyer store, I ran across one of your toys called a "Magic 8-Ball". I was dumbstruck by the simplicity of the device. You take a plastic ball, fill it with blue water, plop in a tiny pyramid with some mystical sounding phrases, and wham! Kids and adults will actually believe that this thing is revealing the great mysteries of life with the flick of the wrist!

I have noticed, however, that the phrases in the 8-ball seem, well, a bit bland. I would be a bit disappointed to ask the ball an important question, to literally entrust my life's decisions to this thing, and have it answer a simple "maybe" or "very possible". I propose a new, improved Magic 8-Ball, a Red-Hot-In-Your-Face 8-Ball, with phrases such as, "Get a Life, Stupid Jerk!" and "As If You Had A Chance, LOSER" and "You Can Bet Your Life On It, Genius"!

So what do you say? As a Special Project Contributor, I would be able to come up with dozens, if not hundreds, of sharp-edged phrases for a new Magic 8-Ball. For conceiving of this project, of course, I would ask for a modest but fair percentage of the profits of this item, and before long, I could kiss this life of misery behind!

I don't have a phone right now, or one of those new internet e-mail things, either. So for the time being, all correspondence will have to be by mail. I look forward to your reply!

Sitting by the Stinking Mailbox,

S. William Kost

P.S. I collect XL T-shirts and ball caps for my nephew, Fritz (who is typing this on his computer for me). If you have any lying around, he'd sure be proud to wear one.

Dear S. William:

Thank you for your interest in Tyco as a possible outlet for your new product idea. We are always pleased to encourage the development of new toys and other products.

Unfortunately, Tyco limits the submission of outside product ideas to a select group of inventors, designers and agents. I am sure that you can imagine how many unsolicited product submissions Tyco receives each year. Time and our staffing limitations do not allow for handling and reviewing of each one individually. We are aware that this policy may occasionally cause us to miss a valuable opportunity. So we have established an alternative approach for inventors who are interested in pursuing the development of their new products.

You are always free to establish a relationship with an agent or broker that specialized in the licensing or development of new products for toy companies. All of the sources named on the enclosed list present new products to Tyco on a regular basis, although no one of them more than any other has any special relationship with Tyco.

By using an agent or broker you will have the opportunity to work personally with someone who is experienced in the development and selection of new toys for licensing to major toy companies like Tyco. Each of the companies has special interests, expertise and requirements, and we have tried to list as sources only those agents who are familiar with ours.

Please understand that using any agent or broker is no assurance that your new product idea will be presented to Tyco or anyone else or that it will be licensed. But it is a chance to have it reviewed by someone with a good deal of experience in our field.

Once again, we want to thank you for your interest in Tyco Toys, and to wish you good luck with your new product.

Sincerely,
David Berko, Vice President
Business Development

Enclosed: Broker List

Franz Bakery 3/31/96, 12/27/97

S. William Kost
P.O. Box 598
Clackamas, OR 97015

March 31, 1996

Franz Bakery
Attn.: Customer Service Manager
P.O. Box 14769
Portland,OR 97214

Dear Manager,

I have been eating Franz Bread for at least twenty years, and I think it's the best bread on the market today. I have tried other brands, and they don't match the quality you put into each slice of your spectacular bread. Like the old commercial goes, "Franz Bread—the Good Bread! Flavor Beyond Compare!"

I have always wondered, however, if there aren't any other uses for bread besides eating. One would think that after so many years of having bread around the house, that somebody in the world would invent another use for it. Is it because of its perishable nature? Or maybe its softness doesn't lend itself to practical use.

The only thing I could think of, perhaps, is maybe an emergency gauze pad as you're being rushed to the hospital or something. Franz bread does a great job of soaking up spaghetti sauce and egg yolks, so why not gushing blood or brains?

If you have hears of any non-eating uses for bread, I would love to know of them. Perhaps you have a pamphlet full of household tips and tricks for using bread in other-than-mealtime situations. Please rush me that material!

By the way, sometimes when I drive by the big bakery on 12th St. I can smell your fabulous bread baking Heaven!!

Loafing Around,

S. William Kost

P.S. Could you send me an XL T-shirt for my brother Fritz in the Army? He's a big fan, too!

NO RESPONSE...SO I TRIED AGAIN A FEW MONTHS LATER

S. William Kost
P.O. Box 598
Clackamas, OR 97015

December 27, 1997

Franz Bakery
P.O. Box 14769
Portland,OR 97214
Attn.: Customer Service

Dear Franz,

A year and 1/2 ago I wrote to you with some questions about bread and bread products. Now I know you can be pretty busy baking bbread down there (I know, I can smell it often!), but surely you've had a few moments time to respond to an enquiry by a loyal customer.

I'm not here to criticize, however. My main purpose for writing, aside from seeking the answer to my orignal questions (letter enclosed) is to offer my services as a comsumer affairs person. Since I can see how busy you are, why not have a person whos only job is to answer mail in a curteous, timely fashion?

I'm no idiot; I can answer whatever people ask with informed responses (or educated guesses if their questons are way out in left field) I'm okay at typing and wouldn't ask for too much—8.50 an hour + bread discounts.

Either way, could I get the answer to my original questions about bread? (letter enclosed) And promise me that you'll keep making the best darn bread in the world.

I don't loaf around,

S. William Kost

Dear Mr. Kost:

Please accept my sincere apology that you did not receive a response to the letter you wrote in March of 1996. I will enclose a couple of coupons for your use to make up for the late response.

if you have questions as to the production of our bread, there are tours of the bakery that you can schedule by calling ahead to Clare Cunningham (503) 000-0000, ext. 000. Clare usually takes school children through the bakery, however, if you have patience, I am sure she will have an adult group in the near future.

As far as having a full time person to answer mail to customers, I have a full time secretary for that. We do try to address questions and concerns that our customers have because we know that it is the customer who keeps us in business.

Bread for other purposes besides eating...hmm, I suppose you could use it for anything you wanted to use it for. As a bakery, we are doing our best to keep up with the demands for bread consumption. So far, we feel we are doing a good job. We are delighted that you are enjoying our bread. The drive by aroma is on us.

Sincerely,
Marc Albers
General Manager

Butterfinger 4/17/96

S. William Kost
P.O. Box 598
Clackamas, OR 97015

April 17, 1996

Butterfinger Candy Bars
c/o Nestlé Food Company
Glendale, CA 91203

Dear Candy Makers,

I have liked Butterfinger candy bars for as long as I can remember! There hasn't been one little thing that has made me not want to pick one up at the store after work every day since July, 1989! (Except for lack of appetite, due to the fact that I unload trucks at a cloth-diaper service laundry center and things can get pretty rancid in there.)

In the last few years, I have become a bit concerned with the people who handle your advertising there at "Candy Bar Central". Your TV ads, which have features the humorous Bart Simpson, use a couple of words I don't understand. Now, I'm not the smartest guy in the world (1.34 GPA), but I can plainly tell when somebody's throwing around fake words to sell their candy bars.

In short, what do "crespety" and "crounchety" mean? I can't find them in any dictionary. Please clear this up soon.

A faithful eater,

S. William Kost

P.S. Do you have any custom printed Butterfinger T-shirts (XL) that you don't want? My brother Fritz collects them.

Dear Mr. Kost:

Thank you for writing us about Nestlé Butterfinger. We welcome questions and comments from our consumers regarding our products.

The phrase "crispety, crunchety, peanut-buttery" is used to describe the texture and taste of the Butterfinger bar. Although the words in this phrase are not defined by the dictionary, we felt that they were the best words to describe our product. We have reported your comments to our marketing department.

We appreciate your interest in our product.

Sincerely,
Chris Cappiello
Senior Consumer Correspondent

Kentucky Fried Chicken USA 3/19/96

S. William Kost
P.O. Box 598
Clackamas, OR 97015

March 19, 1996

Kentucky Fried Chicken USA
Attn: Director of Marketing
1441 Gardner Ln.
Louisville, KY 40213

Dear Director,

I have been a frequent patron of many of your fine Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurants. I especially enjoy oyur Colonel's Original Recipe chicken, featuring Eleven Herbs and Spices. What a treat!

There has been an item of concern, however, since the first day my dad, Fritz, and mother, Edith, took me to a "Speck" over 25 years ago. Your advertisements have claimed that your chicken is "Finger Lickin' Good". At the same time, you provide "Moist Towelettes" to clean the chicken stuff off of one's fingers. As a consumer, I would like to know why, if you advocate licking food off of one's fingers, do you contradict that position by sneaking in the alternative. I am perfectly happy with the "digit-mouth" method, and personally feel that if you eliminated the other option, you could save a bundle of money (not to mention moist trees).

I don't plan to stop visiting your restaurants because of this (25 years proves that!) but I would be interested to know how you would address this issue.

Many thanks for years of great chicken!

S. William Kost

P.S. How would I go about getting an autographed photo of Colonel Sanders?

Handwritten response, on my original letter:

Mr. Kost:

Thank you for many years of patronage and interest in our company. While the Colonel knew his recipe was indeed "Finger Lickin' Good", he also knew that the towlettes would provide a fresh clean feeling after a delicious KFC meal. The Colonel passed away in 1980 so we have no opportunity for an autographed picture, but I believe you will enjoy the enclosed material.

S. Topmiller

Note: Shirley Topmiller was Colonel Sanders' personal secretary.

Spaghetti Warehouse, Inc. 3/19/96

S. William Kost
P.O. Box 598
Clackamas, OR 97015

March 19, 1996

Spaghetti Warehouse, Inc.
Attn.: Personnel Manager
9009 Regency Square Blvd.
Jacksonville, FL 32211

RE: APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT

Dear Manager,

I recently became aware of your company when I was looking through the Jacksonville telephone directory. I was at the library helping my blind cousin Fritz (who lives in Jacksonville) search for an honest car dealer when I ran across your listing. When I told Fritz about this place, he suggested that I write to you inquiring about employment opportunities.

I don't know if you have any available openings, but I think I would be more than qualified to operate a forklift at your warehouse. I have had nearly twelve years' experience at different warehouse positions, including two years as a shipping assistant at Yoshida (a sauce manufacturer).

I am more than willing to relocate to Jacksonville if I can get a job there as a forklift operator. My hours, salary, benefits and other details can be worked out at a later time. Right now, I am just enthusiastic about this opportunity to move in with my cousin. (And he can't wait for me to come down there, as he lives alone and injures himself frequently on furniture and kitchen appliances.)

I do not have a resumé prepared yet, but I will send you one when I hear from you. At present, I don't have a phone line of my own (I call Fritz from a pay phone three blocks down the street), so all correspondence will have to be made by mail.

May I just say that it has been as much of a thrill writing to you today as it will be to receive your reply! Many thanks for your time!

Sincerely,

S. William Kost

P.S. If I will be required to wear a uniform, I wear a 3XL shirt and 46-inch waist pants.

NO RESPONSE

Office of Vital Records 3/19/96, 3/31/98

S. William Kost
P.O. Box 598
Clackamas, OR 97015

March 19, 1996

State of Oregon, Health Division
Clerk, Office of Vital Records
800 NE Oregon St.
Portland OR 97232

RE: NAME CHANGE INQUIRY

Dear Clerk,

My name is Stanley William Kost. For the past 23 years, I have had to live with this name for any and all purposes. Frankly, I am getting a little bit bored with it, and would like to create a little variety in how people address me. For this reason, I am writing to you. Since having my name changed would be an important factor in recrafting my identity, I knew it was in good order to ask a few questions regarding my name:

1. Would it be possible to change my name to simply an "S"? It would mean versatility, in that I could go by Stan (still), Shawn, Steve, Scott, Sergio or even Susan! (Did Harry S Truman ever realize this power?)

2. How many names may I legally have? I like a great deal of names (including Dave, Daniel, Fritz, Bobo, Tracewell, Toné, and Arvydas), and would like to be able to accommodate them all, if possible. Is there a legal maximum?

3. Do you keep statistics on name popularity? Are they published in the form of a word find? (I like word finds.)

4. Many people change their names to make a statement to the public. Would I be able to do the same? I think "Floss Regularly" would be helpful in today's careless society.

5. Can I add stipulations to my name, so that if it was printed, the publisher would be required to use Bold Print?

6. May I change my name to a number, such as 473 (my favorite)? What about symbols (!) or maybe pictures (☺)?

7. If I make up a unique name, for instance Zwerfgoz, can I copyright it so nobody else in the world can share it?

I appreciate your taking the time to read this letter, and I hope you can respond very soon. I have a family reunion coming up in June and I want to show off the new me!

Nomenclaturally yours,

S. William Kost

P.S. Would you be able to send an autographed picture of yourself or someone you admire? It may help me to make up my mind.

Center for Health Statistics
P.O. Box 14050
Portland, OR 97214-0050

Dear Mr. Kost,

This is in reference to your letter asking about changing your name. You did not indicate if you were born in Oregon. I can only speak to the requirements in Oregon so if you were not born in this state you will need to contact the state in which you were born. They will then be able to provide you with the information concerning changing your name on your birth record.

An Oregon birth record reflects the name given to a child by their parent. In order to change that name legally you must petition the court for a order to change your name.

The judge will determine if he/she will grant a name changed based on what is presented to them. If the judge allows you to change your name to a number or symbol and you were born in this state then this office will record that information on your original birth record. At this time we do not have the equipment necessary to have your name appear as a picture, your example "smiley face". You may want to ask the judge your other legal questions, such as can you copyright your name, or can you require your name to be printed in bold. This office cannot provide legal advise.

You may want to give serious consideration to changing your original birth record. Any future change in names would again require a court order including amendment fees and court fees. You should also be aware that the process of obtaining copies of records could involve more time, as any request would require special handling if you used other than alphabetical characters to indicate your name. Perhaps before you make this decision you should also inquiry of other governmental agencies, i.e. social security, passport, IRS, etc., their requirements if you should make a name change.

Once the court has granted a name change a certified copy of that order plus our current amendment/copy fee of $40.00 must be submitted to this office.

We will change an original Oregon birth record by drawing one line through the old name(s), typing in the new name(s) and making a notation on the certificate showing by what authority we made this change (court order).

Sincerely,
Sharon Rice
Manager, Registration Unit

Two years later....

☺
P.O. Box 598
Clackamas, OR 97015

March 31, 1998

Center for Health Statistics
Attn.: Sharon Rice, Mgr., Registration Unit
P.O. Box 14050
Portland, OR 97214-0050

Dear Ms. Rice,

Since it's been more than two years since I wrote to you, you probably don't remember me. My legal name is Stanley William Kost, and I wrote to you concerning name changes. For all intents and purposes, I have chosen to be known as ☺ (Shift-J, Wingdings font). That's why I'm writing to you again.

Can I use ☺ as my name without having to go through the formalities of legally changing my name? I'll still sign official stuff with my legal name; it's just that I'm a happy person, and I'd like my name to reflect that. People could address me as ☺ on paper, in conversation and in all other circumstances.

My argument is this: "Skeet" Ulrich? "Rush" Limbaugh? "Tipper" Gore? Certainly these couldn't be the legal names their mothers gave them at birth! Yet everyone knows them by those names. I'd just like to do the same with ☺!

Now, hypothetically speaking, let us say that I want to change my name again, down the line. Is this possible? I'm thinking I might like "Draycor the Magnificent", "Papadooley Maranificus", and "Alloftheabove Wilkins". Also, I've thought of cashing on Leonardo DiCaprio's star power by sharing that name with him. Is there a limit (finances notwithstanding) to how many times I can change it? If so, I could potentially visit your office every week with a new name request!

Please respond with any information soon. By the way, I like your name, too!

Banana fanna fo fanna,
☺

P.S. Please send an XL-T-shirt or a pen.

Center for Health Statistics
P.O. Box 14050
Portland, OR 97214-0050

RE: Stanley William Kost to ☺

I am writing in response to your correspondence of March 31, 1998 requesting information regarding name changes. In the State of Oregon you may assume a name as long as it is not for fraudulent purposes. I am not an attorney, so I can't tell you if it's legal to assume the name of another person in an attempt to cash in on a star's power (as you stated in your letter). In response to your question regarding if there is a limit of how many times you may change your name, we have no limit. There is a limit, however, to how much space is available on a birth certificate to show all of the changes to a name. Each name would be required to be listed and then a line drawn through it upon a change to another name. Each change would also require a footnote at the bottom of the certificate to explain why the certificate had been amended.

[blah blah blah, repeating the required procedure and fees]

Sincerely,
Edward J. Johnson, II
State Registrar

Donna Nyberg
Amendment Clerk